Redefining Success: Using a new Measuring Stick
The one thing I learned as I grow older is that the value system I live my life from was mostly learned from my parents (though modernized) much as theirs was and the generations before them etc.
As I came to grip with having multiple special needs children, one of the hardest things I learned was to NOT use any of the usual success measurements when dealing with my children. So when my best friend’s kids are getting A’s in honor roll classes and accepted to Ivy League Universities. I am thrilled with my 9 year old tying his own shoes, even though it takes nearly 2 minutes and another completing homework in less than 3 hours. (for 45 minutes worth of work)
Until you can be in the place where you accept the abilities of those around you, you will always be resentful of their contribution, or lack of it.
Perhaps the worst yet is the weight of the Scarlett letter you wear around your neck in your neighborhood, in the public schools, local stores and family. This is one of the most difficult, because a lot of times the children also understand and the stares and the embarrassment of being different.
I have found that when I truly believe in their success, when I am truly proud, as proud of mine as my girlfriend is of hers….then my smile is as big as hers. The Scarlett letter that I wore? Now it’s a bright and bold banner for helping Special Needs Families to have everything and anything they need.
Stephanie
Finding Nemo, Finding a Hero
Parenting Children with Special Needs
By Lisa C. Greene
If you ask me whether I’ve seen a particular adult movie, my response is likely to be “No.” But if you ask me about any kid movie, I could tell you about the characters, plot, and punch-line all in one breath. That’s how it is when you live with young children.
So, it shouldn’t be too surprising when I tell you that it was in the Disney movie Finding Nemo that I saw a great metaphor of what it is like to live with kids with special needs. You see, both of our children have cystic fibrosis so I know what it’s like. And, like the clown fish dad on Nemo (named Marlin) I have journeyed from the place of over-protective and “worried about everything” to “still worried about everything but handling it a lot better.”
I suppose there is always room for improvement in most everything in life, especially parenting. The problem with parenting is that we may not realize how much improvement we really need until it’s too late (ie: our teenagers become hellions and we wonder what happened). The problem with parenting kids with special needs is that “too late” doesn’t mean just a dented car or some experimentation with booze or sex- it can mean the difference between life and death. The stakes can be so very high…
The struggle to resist the powerful parental impulses to rescue, hover and over-protect are played out in Finding Nemo. The paradox is that it is in letting go of the intense need for protection that actually gives a child the freedom to become a hero and to unlock the greatness of spirit inherent within those who have learned to cope well with suffering. Just like Nemo!
We begin Nemo’s story with a happy little fish couple embarking one of life’s greatest adventures- having children. Then, tragically, the mommy fish and all eggs but one get eaten by a bigger fish. Here, the real story begins with Nemo and his dad “picking up the pieces” of the initial trauma. To make it all the more poignant, Nemo is born with a deformed or “lucky” fin. So, here we have initial trauma and physical disability- a perfect recipe to create an over- protective, hovering parent who is understandably oozing with concern for his son’s welfare. He limits, rescues, protects and controls Nemo; his expectations are low for Nemo’s ability (due to his disability); and he does not trust Nemo. He is worried about every detail in Nemo’s fishy little life. In fact, Dad’s life completely revolves around Nemo. Sound familiar?
The first big event in Nemo’s life is his decision to rebel against his father’s controlling, over-protective nature. No surprise, there. Nemo has no choice but to exert his independence in way that opposes his dad because he has never had the freedom to make any decisions for himself. So, he defiantly touches a boat just to prove to dad, friends, and himself that he can do it. And, in doing so (if you haven’t seen the movie), he gets swept up by a scuba diver and appears destined to become a part of a fish collection in a dental aquarium.
How many kids with special needs have no choice but to rebel against parental authority by refusing to comply with medical and special dietary requirements? Children, just like adults, have a strong need for control. Wise parents share the control by giving their children lots of choices. For example, a parent might say, “Would you like to do your breathing treatment before or after your homework?” or “Will you be doing your insulin shot in five minutes or ten minutes?” or “Do you plan to take your pills with juice or milk?” A lifetime of small choices creates a savings account of shared control that can be “cashed in” when it’s time for the big choices of life- like whether or not to live.
The movie now becomes the story of a parent struggling to let go, learning to trust and accept and, as a result, the child becoming more than either had ever dreamed possible. As Nemo starts to make his own way around the aquarium, he gets stuck in a filter. Immediately, the other fish around him leap to pull him out. But, Gil, the seasoned old master, stops them and forces Nemo to rescue himself. Nemo says (in panic), “Can you help me?” Gil responds calmly, “No, You got yourself in there, you can get yourself out.” No rescue, no over-protection. Gil proceeds to tell him how to do it, gives him encouragement and high expectations and Nemo gets unstuck all by himself. Now, Nemo is proud. He can do it! Effective parents do not hover, rescue and protect (Helicopter Parents). They don’t demand or command (Drill Sergeant Parents). Instead, they are Consultant Parents. They help the child identify the problem and provide empathy and support. They set appropriately high expectations, they ask good questions and encourage the child to find their own solutions to their problems with loving parental support but not rescue.
The climax of the movie brings us to the re-uniting of father and son after Nemo finds his own way out of the aquarium and back into the ocean. When first re-united, Dad immediately adopts his old attitude of over-protection and control. However, Nemo’s compassionate spirit will not allow his father to stop him from rescuing the many fish caught in a gil net which was about to be brought to the surface of the water. Now, Nemo has the opportunity to become a hero. His Dad has no choice but to let him go and to trust. In doing so, Nemo is able to release the hero that was bottled up inside by his father’s control, over-protection and rescue. By freeing that hero and courageously rising to the occasion, Nemo changes the lives of those around him.
I think that deep down inside the soul of every special needs child is that same hero just bursting to come out. As parents, we can encourage our children to become a hero: someone who faces life courageously and joyfully in the face of adversity and suffering. In doing this, we also become a hero- both to our child and to others around us. In modeling this, we teach our children how to release that hero inside themselves. It is not an easy journey, but a worthwhile one. Just ask Nemo. And his Dad.
***********
The concepts in this article are explored in the book Parenting Children with Health Issues: Essential Tools, Tips and Tactics for Raising Kids with Chronic Illness, Medical Conditions and Special Healthcare Needs by Foster W. Cline, M.D and Lisa C. Greene which is available online and in bookstores. Dr. Cline is a well-known child psychiatrist, author, and co-founder of the popular Love and Logic parenting program (www.loveandlogic.com). Lisa is the mother of two children with cystic fibrosis and a parent coach. For articles, audio downloads, teleconference dates and answers to your questions, visit www.ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues.com.
© 2008 by Lisa C. Greene
Permission to reprint is granted for personal use.
Diagnosing bipolar disorder has always been tricky, particularly for doctors and therapists. If there was a laboratory test or x-ray that could give a definitive bipolar disorder diagnosis, preliminary investigations by doctors would provide a much clearer result.
This lack of quantifiable analysis is part of the reason for the difficulty in determining whether the symptoms indicate mental illness or not. Accurate diagnosis is usually only reached after careful analysis of behaviour, thought patterns and consultation with family and loved ones.
Why Accurate Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis Is So Tricky
Symptoms indicating a bipolar disorder diagnosis could also indicate other physical or mental conditions. This makes it even more difficult to provide the appropriate treatment. For example, prescribing pain relief for the physical symptoms instead of digging deeper to identify psychological problems could be quite disastrous for the patient.
This problem is further exacerbated when patients displaying physical signs related to a potential bipolar disorder diagnosis consult their medical doctor and not a psychiatrist. As the average general practitioner is not specially trained to easily recognize mental disease, bipolar can often remain undiagnosed until the condition is well advanced. This can result in escalated episodes involving police, ambulance and drastic treatment for the patient.
The Main Issues Affecting Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis
There are several issues for therapists and doctors to carefully take into account when making a bipolar disorder diagnosis.
1. Ignoring international standards. Although an international standard exists for making a bipolar disorder diagnosis, many therapists and medical practitioners simply disregard it. This results in a patient becoming confused by getting different diagnoses from several different practitioners.
2. Self-denial. There has always been a negative connotation or stigma attached to the condition of bipolar disorder, commonly known as manic depression. This is one of the main reasons for bipolar sufferers retreating into self-denial, ignoring their symptoms with a “head-in-the-sand” approach. Instead of investigating a possible bipolar disorder diagnosis when the illness begins, the patient ignores the warning signs and does nothing about it. This approach only serves to increase the symptoms and advance the condition further than if the illness had been properly diagnosed early on.
3. Limitations of some general practitioners. Some general practitioners and medical doctors are experienced and qualified only in treating medical and physical conditions. Doctors in this category are not qualified to diagnose a mental or psychological illness. This risk in consulting with this type of doctor is getting symptoms treated as opposed to investigating the real source of the problem.
The psychological symptoms of bipolar disorder can also be difficult to detect, even by experts. Many symptoms can easily be mistaken for the symptoms of other psychological illnesses such as major depressive disorders, schizophrenia, substance-induced mood disorders, or mood disorders caused by medical conditions.
Even highly experienced psychiatrists and mental health experts can have difficulty reaching an accurate bipolar disorder diagnosis. It is therefore wise to avoid mis-diagnosis and seek help from a qualified mental health professional when symptoms and behavioral changes first start occurring. This at least gives a good chance of the illness being properly managed so that the crippling effects can be minimized.
Jean Littman co-owns BipolarClues.com with husband Ray Hogan, who has lived a normal, stable life with bipolar for many years. Providing quality tools and resources for bipolar disorder and manic depression.
What is wrong with THAT child?
By: Nikki Woller, LCSW, CFLE
Recently while shopping with my five year old daughter, Allie, my husband and I encountered a common family scenario. As we progressed through the isles of the store we saw Allie’s behavior transform from angelic to intolerable. By the end of our thirty minute expedition she was laying under the cart, growling at us, and at the self check out line began to scream as she manically tried to scan the items over the checkout bar and then shove the items into plastic bags. Daddy thankfully intervened and tried to take Allie out of the store when she broke free of his grasp and quickly dashed into the isles. Of course, there was what felt like 400 other suburban moms behind us in line looking on in horror. As my husband went to get Allie and take her out of the store, I was at the check out counter feeling mortified. I just had to say something. I looked right at the parents in line behind me and kindly said, “I am so sorry, but my daughter is mentally ill and sometimes we just lose control of her.” There! The secret is out. I couldn’t believe that I said it. Afterwards, the eyes of the other parents turned with compassion as Allie screamed by them as she was being escorted out of the store by her father. And then, the mom behind me said,” Is she ADHD? My daughter is ADHD.” I looked at her, smiled and said. “No, my daughter is bipolar but I thought, “Wow, she gets it.”
Parenting a child with mental health exceptionalities is complicated. One in five children has a diagnosable mental illness with one in ten having a severe mental illness. These illnesses can sometimes onset as young as three. Left untreated these illnesses can lead to school failure, family conflict, drug abuse, violence and suicide leaving a major economic and emotional impact on our society.
I am commonly asked, “How do you know the difference between a mental health problem and a behavioral one?” A mental health disorder is a health condition marked by alterations in thinking, mood or behavior that causes distress or impairs a person’s ability to function. Although any condition that impairs the mental and emotional functioning of a child is included, common conditions that fall into this category are ADHD, mood or psychotic disorders, anxiety, depression, forms of autism and TIC disorders.
A child’s decline in school performance, sudden change in grades, regular worry, refusal to take part in activities, nightmares, fidgeting, aggression, running away, tantrums that last hours, depression, irritability and difficulty separating may be signs of an impeding mental health condition.
If you suspect your child is exhibiting signs of mental illness:
· Consult knowledgeable professionals – Early treatment interventions are essential to helping your child. It is important that you seek out opinions from professionals trained in childhood mental illness, and develop a well rounded team that is supportive of you and your family.
· Become educated – Being told that your child has a mental illness is scary. Once you’re finished freaking out, educate yourself and your family about the illness. The more you know, the easier it will be to manage your child.
· Enhance your parenting skills- Parenting a child with mental illness requires specialized parenting skills and that those skills be superior. Because children with mental illnesses can be difficult they are statically at high risk for child abuse. Caregivers often become frustrated, not understanding the behaviors that they are seeing. Your skills, compassion and mannerisms must fit the child that you are parenting.
· Enhance your child’s strengths – All children have strengths. Don’t let your child’s illness consume their life. Finding things that your child is good at can help boost self esteem and release stress in a positive manner.
· Know your child’s limits – Don’t set yourself or your child up for failure. Avoid areas or activities that you know will agitate your child. If that is not possible to do, take someone else with you who is on your team in case a problem occurs.
· Be an advocate for your child. Children with mental illness fall under the protection of the American’s with Disabilities Act. They are entitled to reasonable accommodations to help them be successful in every environment, including school.
· Find support systems – Remember you are not alone. Mental illness becomes an illness that affects everyone in the family, even the siblings. Support groups, parenting groups, school groups or private therapy are great ways to start to find support.
There is a dog in the grocery store. Who would do such a thing? Well, it happens in
Just like any other family, Brett and Nikki Woller are at the community grocery store doing the weekly shopping just about every weekend. They, like other families have their two children along with them. But, unlike other families they also bring along the family dog.
"A lot of people stare at us; regular people just don’t understand it,” says Nikki Woller, who is also a pediatric clinical social worker in the community. So, why would they bring the dog to the store?
Kellie is a psychiatric service animal in training. She is a white, fluffy, seven pound maltichon. She belongs to the Woller’s six year old little girl who lives with bipolar illness. Kellie goes everywhere with Allison to help intervene when Allison is feeling stressed out or emotional.
“There is a definite emotional difference in Allison when she has the dog with her and when she does not, it is really unbelievable” says Brett Woller.
Brett and Nikki are heavily involved in the mental health community. Nikki treats chronic mental illness, such as bipolar disorder, depression, behavioral disturbances and anxiety in adults and in children. Brett runs the Boca Raton Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance meetings. They are committed to helping others recover from their emotional illnesses. Service animals are just one way that they have chosen to do that.
Service animals are protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act. They are not considered pets. They are allowed access to all public places that their human counterparts are allowed, even the grocery store.
“We have had our local health inspector called three times about Kellie being in the store, says Woller.” “The manager of the store where we do our shopping is so kind about it, he really deals with a lot of complaints when were in the store.”
While the use of service animals for psychiatric use is up and coming, the possibilities are endless. These dogs are used for anxiety relief, mania detection, depression, environmental assessment for psychosis, tactile stimulation and with children; they can also be used to help improve self esteem and communication.
“Allison went several years without speaking to people, now when she is stopped about her dog, she makes eye contact with others and is able to answer their questions. It is a huge difference” says Nikki, “ An incredible one.”
Selection of your dog is important. Not every dog is suited for service work. They have to have a wonderful temperament, be healthy, and a suitable match for the person that they are assisting. Training is important, and can be done at home but most people use the assistance of a local dog trainer to get started.
"There is a lot of responsibility that goes along with having a service animal, says Nikki, but we see the pay off in our little girl. "
For more information about this topic or the Woller's contact Nikki Woller at 561-706-1004 or by email at nikkiwoller @ aol.com
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